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2021-03-06 borowitz-report

I can’t believe how funny Andy Borowitz is

He manages to be consistently funny.

Easter Bunny
ALT
New QAnon Theory Predicts Trump Will Return in April as Easter Bunny
Allegedly, the former President will hop over the White House fence and begin hiding brightly colored eggs on the South Lawn.
Texans Nostalgic for Wisdom of Rick Perry
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, This wouldn’t be happening if Rick Perry were governor,’ one Houston resident said.
Republicans Accuse Biden of Trying to Score Political Points by Ending Pandemic
After vowing that there would be enough vaccine in July, Joe Biden broke his promise and is now saying May,” Ted Cruz said.
Josh Hawley Seeks to Overturn Results of CPAC Straw Poll
The move came after the results showed the Missouri senator to be the Presidential choice of only three per cent of attendees.
Trump Says Prison Time for Ex-President of France Sets Horrible Precedent
Trump called the corruption case against Nicolas Sarkozy a rigged hoax” and claimed that the former French leader was being treated very unfairly.”
Trump to Announce He Has Won 2024 Election
Trump will further use his CPAC speech to claim that any attempt to allege that the year 2024 has not arrived yet is a rigged hoax.”
Trump’s Taxes Reveal He Claimed Ted Cruz as Dependent
Ted is my little baby, and everyone knows it,” Trump said.
Ron Johnson Calls Hillary’s Absence from Insurrection Videos Suspicious
How hard would it be for Hillary Clinton to put on some horns and fur pelts?” the Republican senator asked. That is vintage Hillary.”
Trump Regrets Not Naming Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., to Supreme Court
Appearing on Fox News, Trump said that his adult children would be way better judges” than those three clowns” whom he did name.
Ted Cruz Heroically Investigates Whether Mexico Stole Heat and Sun from Texas
The senator said that he undertook the mission because he cares deeply about the current suffering of his fellow-Texans.
Millions Join Class-Action Suit Against Trump Demanding Past Four Years Back
We’re crunching the numbers right now,” a lawyer said. The therapy bills alone run into the billions.”
Poll: Ninety Per Cent of Republicans Would Book Rooms at Trump Plaza Hotel in Atlantic City
Those surveyed characterized reports suggesting that the Trump property would be less than an ideal place to stay as a hoax.”
Adam Kinzinger Thrilled He Will No Longer Be Invited to Thanksgiving
Little did I know that defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced,” the Illinois Republican said.
Madison Fears He Made Constitution’s Impeachment Clause Too Hard for Idiots to Grasp
If I had to write the impeachment part all over again, I’d really dumb it down,” James Madison said.
In Time-Saving Measure, Biden Signs Mile-Long Executive Order Reversing Everything Trump Did
I had been signing executive order after executive order,” the President said. After a certain point I just said, Come on, man.’
Marco Rubio Says He Got His Highest Candy Crush Score During Impeachment
The Republican senator said that he hopes to surpass his best score when Trump’s defense attorneys start presenting their case, on Friday.
Trump Replaces Legal Team with Eric and Don, Jr.
Although neither son has a law degree, Don, Jr., called their lack of legal education our secret weapon.”
Trump’s Lawyers Stun Senate by Claiming Jared Made Him Do It
An attorney claimed that the ex-President spoke to an angry mob on January 6th only after Kushner assured him, What could possibly go wrong?”
Trump’s Lawyers Call for Dismissal of Trial on the Ground That They Will Never Collect Fees
The former President’s lead attorneys said they had a moment of lucidity” when they realized their chances of Trump ever paying them were nil.
Giuliani to Be First Guest of Lou Dobbs Total Landscaping
Dobbs said that his new show will offer more freedom” than his Fox Business show did, because there will be no cameras recording it.
Americans Adamantly Refuse to Cash Stimulus Checks Unless Republicans Are Onboard
I wouldn’t feel good about buying food for my family if I knew that the money came via the budget-reconciliation process,” one poll respondent said.
Defiant Marjorie Taylor Greene Creates Own House Committee on Semitic Aerospace Weaponry
It’s going to be way better than some dumb old committee about education,” the Georgia Republican said.
Trump Excitedly Accepts Democrats’ Offer to Star in New TV Show
The former President said that the most amazing” aspect of his new show would be the number of networks broadcasting it.
Republicans Forgive Liz Cheney for Having Conscience
Look, people make mistakes,” Kevin McCarthy said.
Obama Accused of Converting to Judaism to Obtain Lasers
Although the Georgia Republican did not indicate what Obama might use his lasers for, she warned that he could fire them off at any time, except Friday after sundown.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Blames Blizzard on Jewish Space Snow Machines
I will not be silenced by Jewish snow,” the Georgia Republican tweeted.
White House Dogs Dig Up Trump’s Tax Returns on South Lawn
Although it was unclear how the returns came to be buried on the White House grounds, in Palm Beach Trump was overheard screaming at his son Eric.
Trump to Defend Self After Receiving Law Degree from Trump University
In his first official statement as the lead attorney of his defense team, Trump vowed not to quit the team like those other losers.”
QAnon Fears That Greene’s Obsession with Jewish Space Lasers Is Distracting Her from Battling Baby-Eating Cannibals
In an emergency meeting of QAnon elders, the conspiracy theorists issued a communiqué warning Marjorie Taylor Greene to stay on point.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene Claims Video of Her Is Actually George Soros in Disguise
Whenever I donate clothes to a consignment shop, Soros gets a ping on his phone and buys it all up,” the congresswoman alleged.
Kevin McCarthy Stuck with Check for Lunch at Mar-a-Lago
Even if you count all the Diet Cokes, that was a lot,” one staffer said.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Making Americans Nostalgic for Wisdom of Sarah Palin
At the time, I thought she bombed her interview with Katie Couric,” one respondent said. Looking back on it now, I think she kind of nailed it.”
Republicans Say It Is Unconstitutional to Hold Officials Accountable Unless They Are Hillary
To see legal guardrails that James Madison explicitly designed for Hillary Clinton used on someone who is demonstrably not Hillary Clinton is a disgrace,” one senator said.
Republicans Against Impeachment Propose Three Coup Attempts, You’re Out” Law
Insurrect me once, shame on you; insurrect me twice, shame on me; insurrect me three times, it’s time to have a serious talk about this,” the bill’s sponsor said.
Biden’s Coronavirus Plan Calls for Americans to Stay Home and Watch Impeachment
I recognize that I’m asking everyone to make a tremendous sacrifice,” he said. That’s why I’m issuing a stay-at-home order only for a time when there’s something really good on TV.”
Giuliani Says He Cannot Pay $1.3 Billion in Damages Because He Does Not Know Any Real Billionaires
Not only does he not know any actual billionaires, but the people he does know are just the opposite,” Giuliani said.
Shrinking QAnon to Merge with Elvis Conspiracy Theory
We are proud to be joining forces with the Elvis conspiracy theory, which has been going strong ever since that fateful day in 1977 when Elvis didn’t die,” a QAnon spokesman said.
Unchained Fauci Recites Entire Periodic Table of Elements at White House Briefing
According to White House sources, Fauci’s realization that he can now speak freely about science has resulted in several such outbursts.
Biden Restores Obama-Era Spelling Rules
The executive order, which had been widely expected, brings the United States back into the community of spelling-observant nations.
Liberals Traumatized by Agreeing with Mitch McConnell
An expert said that liberals should not be concerned,” and that the situation is temporary.
White House Warns People Buying Pardons That Counterfeit Pardons Are Being Sold Online
It’s very sad that there are scammers out there willing to take advantage of well-meaning felons,” a Trump staffer said.
Major Spray-Tan Corporations Break Ties with Trump
With this move, the color of Trump’s head once he leaves office faces an uncertain future, experts say.
Republicans Accuse Liz Cheney of Reading Constitution

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George Hussein Entenman Why is my Facebook name George Hussein Entenman? In my case, I was outraged when Rush Limbaugh (may he be burning in Hell) constantly repeated